this punchline is a joke

23 year old nurse who will not "practice mouth to mouth on you" and will instead offer a free prostate exam to those who attempt that pick up line for the 5,632 time.
Recent Tweets @

snowtyrell:

deathtiel:

People who got slots on the Time 100 Most Influential People list:

  • John Green
  • Miley Cyrus
  • Benedict Cumberbatch

People who did not get slots on the Time 100 Most Influential People list:

  • Laverne Cox

People who deserve to get shit for this: 

  • Time Magazine

(via alexjometric)

moostache-forever:

Did you ever realize how much your body loves you? I mean its always trying to keep you alive. That’s all your body has to live for. Your body is making sure you breathe while you sleep, stopping cuts from bleeding, fixing broken bones, finding ways to beat the illnesses that might get you. Your body literally loves you so much. It’s time you start loving your body back.

(via alexjometric)

youcantbaeawaythegay:

captaincharminghood:

things get heated between the canadians and the americans

*ANGRY CANADIAN NOISES*

(via beckbeckgoose)

panic-at-the-discount-store:

I show affection for my pets by holding them against me and whispering I love you repeatedly as they struggle to escape from my arms

(via notpano)

queennubian:

marras6:

siopold:

halluzinationguillotine:

this always calmed me

that piece of paper is one of the most overwhelmingly graceful things in the universe

swishhh….! swooshhh….!

queennubian:

marras6:

siopold:

halluzinationguillotine:

this always calmed me

that piece of paper is one of the most overwhelmingly graceful things in the universe

swishhh….! swooshhh….!

(via flaggermousse)

azurechronism:

jesusthelastairbender:

what if romney was elected and barack obama just sat in his office and said “no”

(via izzybutt)

deathtiel:

But like seriously I DON’T WANT TO PAY $50 FOR A BRA 

IT IS A BOOB HOLDER

IT IS LITERALLY NOTHING MORE THAN CUPS WHERE I CAN KEEP MY BOOBS

THAT SHOULD NOT BE SUCH AN EXPENSIVE ITEM FOR REAL THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO WOULD BE HONORED TO HOLD MY BOOBS THIS BRA SHOULD SHOW SOME DAMN RESPECT

twinkletwinkleyoulittlefuck:

cell-mate:

crackerhell:

ethanwearsprada:

i think it’s a universal truth that everyone in our generation takes pluto’s losing its planetary status as a personal offense

yes

pluto is smaller than russia. why did we ever even consider it a planet?

BECAUSE IT’S A PART OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM

OHANA MEANS FAMILY

OHANA MEANS NO ONE IS LEFT BEHIND

dontbesadlove:

vincereauimori:

mrsmelchiorgabor:

the year is 2053. a girl lays on her bed wearing vintage ugg boots. ‘I was born in the wrong generation’ she sighs as she listens to taylor swift and cries over a one direction poster.

some kids are actually gonna be like this you do realize that

This terrifies me.

(via thesarcastichamster)

vercxce:

My internet was down for 5 minutes so i went downstairs and spoke to my family

They seem like nice people

(via thefunsylum)